Success Stories

The participants were two beefy, blue-collar white men, one with reddish blonde hair, the other’s dark with specks of grey, both mustached.  The latter had brought his wife along. I’ll call them Bob, Don and Pam. The two men made a point of staying as far away from each other as they could before coming into the mediation room. They sat down at the table but not looking at each other, one of them staring at the floor with arms crossed. Neither of the men wanted to start the conversation so Pam began the story of what had happened between them. 

Apparently, Don owned a business where Bob had been employed for almost fifteen years. Pam also worked in the business and, though she had not witnessed the incident that resulted in the court charges which had ultimately led them to mediation, she was fully involved in the history of the business and personal relationship that Bob and Don had. Pam detailed how Bill had not only worked for Don but had rented a house from Don & Pam. Pam narrated a long series of insults and betrayals which had culminated in a physical confrontation, though allowing that they mostly came through hearsay from less than 100% reliable sources. She seemed to be hoping Bob would have some alternative version, something to save this long relationship from ending on such an ugly note.

Don continued to stare at the floor while Bob’s gaze was fixed on Pam, his face growing redder and redder as she continued her list. He hesitantly countered a few of Pam’s stories with denials or elaborations as well as leveling some accusations of his own towards Don. Finally Don looked up and began to speak about his sense of betrayal, how he had thought of Bob as his “right hand” and tried not to believe the stories he was hearing about Bob’s disloyalty. Slowly the tone of the conversation shifted from accusation and defense to comparing notes about what each had heard from admittedly biased third parties. But the real turning point came when Bob began speaking about his own sense of betrayal. The room was silent for a long half minute when he choked up saying how hurt he was by the loss of their relationship. He seemed to be realizing how much the whole situation stemmed from misunderstandings, failure to communicate directly and his having bought into other peoples’ attempt to undermine Don’s business. Soon Don choked up as well while echoing that Bob had been “like a brother” to him.

Though their emotions only surfaced in the form of flushed faces and some watering of the eyes, it was obviously more than they had ever overtly expressed before. And both were visibly moved by the reaffirmation of their mutual affection and respect. They didn’t want to make any written agreements besides dropping the court charges, saying that simply having the conversation had been resolution enough. At the end, Don asked if they could make a donation and handed over a large denomination bill on his way out of the mediation room. Ten or so minutes later, when the other mediator and I had finished packing up and were walking out of the building, Bob, Don and Pam were still in the lobby, standing close together and talking.